September 27, 2009

i don't really love you anymore

Song/Day: I Don't Really Love You Anymore / The Magnetic Fields

True, I'd give my right arm
To keep you safe from harm
And true, for you, I'd move to Ecuador
And I'd keep a little farm
Chop wood to keep you warm
But I don't really love you anymore

I don't have to love you now if I don't wish to
I won't see you anyhow if that's an issue
Because I am a gentleman
Think of me as just your fan
Who remembers every dress you ever wore.
Just the bad comedian
Your new boyfriend's better than
'Cos I don't really love you anymore.

There'll be someday when your eyes do not enthrall me,
I'll be numb but realize you'll never call me.

'Cos I've read your horoscope
And now I've given up all hope
So I don't really love you anymore
'Cos I've read your horoscope
And now I've given up all hope
So I don't really love you anymore.

August 2, 2009

in re: hippie johnny's emergency intervention

song of the day: i'm straight / modern lovers

"I called this number three times already today
But I, I got scared, I put
It back in place, I put my phone back in place.
I still don't know if I should have called up.
Look, just tell me why don't ya if I'm out of place.
'Cause here's your chance to make me feel awkward
And wish that I had never even called up this place.
I saw you though today walk by with hippie Johnny.
I had to call up and say how I want to take his place.
So this phone call today conerns hippie Johnny.
He's always stoned, he's never straight.
I saw you today, you know, walk by with hippie Johnny.
Look, I had to call up and say, I want to take his place.
See he's stoned, hippie Johnny.
Now get this, I'm straight and I want to take his place.
Now look, I like him too, I like hippie Johnny.
But I'm straight
and I want to take his place.
I said, I'm straight
I said, I'm straight
I'm proud to say
Well I'm straight and I want to take his place.

Now I've watched you walk around here.
I've watched you meet these
boyfriends, I know, and you tell me how they're deep.
Look but, if these guys, if they're really so great,
tell me, why can't they at least take this place
and take it straight?
Why always stoned,
like hippie Johnny is?
I'm straight and I want to take his place.
Oh I'm certainly not stoned, like hippie Johnny is.
I'm straight and I want to take his place.
I said, I'm straight
I said, I'm straight
I'm straight and I want to take his place."

July 23, 2009

music for every moodswing!

song of the day: stockholm syndrome v. little honda / yo la tengo

[for those not-so-fresh-feeling dopamine-less hours]

What's the matter, why don't you answer
What's the matter with me?
Is it so hard to be
Free and easy, we'll disappear completely
Hardly as I've known it's glad

Your heart is broken, and the doors are open
As you're hoping to be
There's brighter places to see
Hands need warning, early in the morning
Hardly as I've known a surprise

No, don't warn me
I know it's wrong, but I swear it won't take long
And I know, you know,
It makes me sigh; but I do believe in love

Another season, but the same old feelings
Another reason could be
I'm tired of aching, summer's what you make it
But I'll believe what I want to believe

[Please let us all clear our throats!]


[for so-fresh-and-so-clean moments of exhilaration
"as crisp as a pair of white panties on a baby prostitute"

I'm gonna wake you up early cause I'm gonna take a ride with you
We're going down to the Honda shop I'll tell you what we're gonna do
Get on the ride, no sweat, sure we'll take you anywhere you want me to

First gear, it's all right
Second gear, hang on tight
Third gear, ain't I right
Faster, it's all right

It's not a big motorcycle, just a groovy little motorbike
It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys, that two-wheel ride
We'll go on into the hills or anywhere you wanna decide

We'll ride some hills like a champ because my Honda's built really light
When I go into the turn, lean with me, hang on tight
I think I'll put on the lights, so I can ride mine under the night

July 9, 2009


Andrew McGowan on Facebook

July 7, 2009

we used to be friends, now we're just dandy

Song of the day: we used to be friends / the dandy warhols

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet is all I intend.

It's something I said, or someone I know.
Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home.
Now everybody needs some time,
And everybody knows
The rest of it's fine
And everybody knows that.

Come on now, sugar,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, honey,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when.

July 6, 2009

chaos reigns

As I've mentioned, I cherish solitude. These rare snippets of time, the rare nights I have alone are the essence of my I. They are me in the truest sense because I orchestrate them for my own benefit and No Boys Allowed. I build them for me, I make sure my environment accommodates and reflects every little thing I need and want, consciously or not, to achieve my peace, my sense of everything in its right place. Of course, these nights don't have to be such a rarity -- I could choose, as many do, to relive this ritual on a daily basis. I can see myself living my life this way, in comfort, in an organized, crisp, warm environment, reminiscent of those long lost and once mourned years of my childhood, before my mother left and chaos began its reign.

Why do I choose to reinforce the chaotics habits I've accumulated over the past 12 years? I make this choice daily -- in my personality, lifestyle, self-perception, the masks I put on and take off. This choice is the source of such tremendous stress for me. To think that such a massive change could come from few nights a week spent making plans, creating a peaceful home-life, getting calmly prepared for the morning after... it gives me the heebies. Instead, I throw myself blindly down the rabbit hole, pieces of me scatter at the bottom, wandering off disassembled like a bad Svankmajer trip.

The person who transitioned 12 years ago lost every element of stability in her life as she watched the Sword of Damocles teether and drop. She learned to distrust the safety of the home, the calm of things as they should be. All the sweetness in life was extracted from hers and she never recovered. She coped by accepting Chaos, inviting him in, accommodating herself to him. She still had the needs of a child but learned to ignore them, for fear that they would never, could never be fulfilled. But why now? Why am I still so afraid that as soon as I find my peace, build my peace, someone or something will jolt it head first into oblivion? Am I afraid that I've lost my ability to create that peace completely, the way I lost my French, my piano skills, the sanctity of my child-body, my faith in myself?

Yet here I am, spending this one day of work on me, giving myself one day to do as I please and feel like I deserve it. A split second decision and this gift is within my grasp, I feel it and it feels so incredibly good. Can I repeat it? Do I want to? Perhaps, having invited Chaos in (for fear that he would barge in unannounced if I didn't), I now crave his company. Chaos has become a part of me I no longer want to let go. Yet I am so terribly sick of being afraid-anxious-worried constantly. The neverending pile of unreviewed documents filling every cavity of my inner and outer space, threatening to suffocate me, closing in...

I know that Clean Adult Living works better as a sarcastic quip than a way of life -- it is unsustainable. Is that a good enough reason, though, to give up on it completely? It's balance that I'm seeking and it's balance I need to learn. I'll do it for a few days, frame it as an experiment to fool the Puckish spirit of anxiety-procrastination, and see the results. I've done this experiment before, but the contentious spirit, the choice Chaos made, proved too violent and perhaps too tempting to avoid the all-encompassing crash. I can only try again. One step forward followed by another... The hedonistic Tarantella must be left for others to dance today.

fun times, fun times

Song of the day: funtime / iggy pop

Hey baby we like your lips
Hey baby we like your pants
All aboard for funtime
Hey, I feel lucky tonight
I'm gonna get stoned and run around
All aboard for a funtime
Last night I was down in the lab
Talkin' to Dracula and his crew
All aboard for funtime
I don't need no heavy trips
I just do what I want to do
All aboard for funtime